At the top today

There are some days when I don't feel like I can keep going.  Days when I don't think I can empty my bladder one more time with a catheter.  Days when I think I'd rather experience the shattering back pain from trying to urinate on my own than go through the grating urethral pain again and again.    There are days when I don't think I can make it another month with my recurrent vaginal and skin fungal infections.  Days when I don't think I can face dealing with my wretched body.  Days when I don't feel like I can try another quack remedy, pill, cream, or behavior modification.

I always keep going, but I end up grasping for any possible way to control this body.  So I limit what I eat, I limit what I drink, I limit how often I sit.  I deprive myself to feel in control, and I only really feel in control when the scale numbers are going down - the only proof I have that I can change my body.

Of course, I eventually get tired of being deprived of things.  I already feel frustrated that my body has deprived me of convenience, sex, youthful skin, and overall health (isn't it strange that there are no true antonyms for 'pain' in the English language?), and I end up wondering why I am depriving myself of even more.  Then I crack and do whatever the hell I want.  That lasts for a few days or maybe a week before I have completed the circle and I'm back to the top of this page.